A Dragon, A Mailman, and a Bunch of Teen Angst
by Hamhjolf Stormcrown
Summary: Join the Dragonborn and the Courier 6 as they are forced to work together in a strange new world full of creatures of darkness and teen girls with theatrical weapons by our favorite cheese loving daedric prince. The rating is subject to change to M. I do not own either ESO, Fallout, or RWBY they are owned by Bethesda and Rooster Teeth.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: The Dragon and the Mailman

" _Bring me a champion! Rend the flesh of my foes! A mortal champion to wade through the entrails of my enemies!" -Sheogorath, Oblivion_

A wizened old man lies on his deathbed waiting for the end. This old man ounce tall is now hunched over from many hours of working his body, his once strong body is now weak and feeble, his once well groomed black hair is now a messy and disheveled snow white mop.

The once proud warrior, Hamhjolf Stormcrown is now a broken old hermit from years of keeping Skyrim safe. The dragonborn now resides in his house in Whiterun, Breezehome, waiting for his final breath alone. Very few people even know that he still lives which includes the latest Jarl of Whiterun, the Companions, and finally his only two remaining friends on Nirn, Odahviing and Paarthurnax not even the Empire knows he is still alive.

Hamhjolf knew his time was coming to an end he had except the idea of death a long time ago. He knew he would be drinking and reveling with his ancestors soon. He wanted this, to see those whom died before him, like the many of his companions and friends that have past before him and maybe even a few enemies, why not, there was nothing left for him on Nirn so death sounded pretty good to him.

But the world is cruel, and as an old dragonborn breaths his last a mad prince is watching and he is so very bored and good things never happen when he is bored.

* * *

"BWAHAHAHA" the mad god Sheogorath hysterically laughed, he had just taken the dragonborn's soul before any of his brethren were able to notice and was feeling really pleased with himself.

"Wait!? Where in oblivion am I!?" Shouted a very confused glowing orb of energy that floated in the center of Sheogorath's throne room. This was the dragonborns first time ever coming to the Shivering Isles in his long life as an adventurer, not even when he became Sheogorath's champion did he come to the Isles.

Sheogorath's throne room, split down the center much like its owner. The left seemed cheery, airy, happy, and artistic with its bright red and gold embroidered carpet and warm braziers, while the right seemed to be gloomy, drab, and orderly with its dark blue and gray embroidered carpet and the cold blue fires that glowed within the braziers, while both sided are the complete opposite they both had its own hint of madness and insanity and also came with its own scent of cheese as well.

"Why you are in my throne room you had just died and I decided to pluck you up" said a very amused daedric prince. Sheogorath silver goatee and all was now residing on his throne looking down on the newly dead dragonborn's soul.

"You…." growled the glowing orb, his very words made small earthquakes from the use of his Thu'um "Why am I here and not the Hall of Valor drinking and reveling"

"Why? Because I'm bored! bored! booored! And I am in need of entertainment"

Sheogorath said in a very over dramatic tone.

'Shit' was all he could think it was never good to have a bored daedric prince especially the mad god.

"So what now are you going to do play jump rope with my intestines" Hamhjolf sarcastically asked.

"Bah, no, though that would be fun, I am in need of more long term stimulation" the daedric prince looked a bit disappointed at that fact, but seemed to quickly remember why he took the dragonborn and started to beam with excitement.

"And I am involved because?" nervously asked Hamhjolf.

"Well, let's just say dragonborn's have always had such…. Entertaining lives to watch" the daedric prince cryptically replied.

"Um, thanks…. I guess, but what does this have to do with me, I'm dead"

"You're welcome! But it does, it has everything to do with you" Sheogorath said emphasizing it by pointing at him

"How?" Hamhjolf was now very confused how could it have anything to do with him he was dead right?

"Well, who said you couldn't live again!" answered the rather excited god whom seemed very pleased with himself for coming up with the idea even though it was probably his butler Haskill's idea.

With this new information Hamhjolf's metaphorical jaw dropped he was not expecting this he was expecting a massive cheese party or something…. well what can you expect from a mad god.

"Oh, so uuuhh where are you sending me Hammerfell, Blackmarsh, Valen…."

"NO! Now who said you going back Nirn" interrupted the mad god.

With this Hamhjolf's face would have paled if he had a body "Where are you sending me?!" asked a now panicked dragonborn.

"Oh a nice little world which is being ravaged by creatures of darkness which are no good at a cheese party trust me I tried it was a horrible mess" with that statement Sheogorath face morphed into a thoughtful look the kind of look a craftsman would give when they were thinking a new project, "I need work on that" Sheo muttered to himself.

"So let me get this straight you are going to send me to a world full of 'creatures of darkness' alone" asked a now incredulous Dragonborn

"Now who said anything about you going alone"

At that moment Hamhjolf was thanking all nine divines though he knew he probably could do this by himself but having a companion will make this new life hopefully easier.

"So who are you going to let me bring maybe Farkas, Lydia, ooooh maybe even Serana?" Hamhjolf eagerly asked

"No, I have already chosen your partner and let just say he is an amazing mailman" said the now smirking god "I got an amazing deal at the MHRS or the Multiversal Hero Retail Store! Where you can find all the dead heroes you need!" said the enthusiastic god whom seemed to be bouncing up and down in his throne with enthusiasm.

Hamhjolfs gave the mad god a blank stare before responding "Are you fucking kidding me a FUCKING mailman!" he shouted caused the earth to shake.

"A courier actually but trust me he's good! I once had him at one of my parties he got so drunk off Sanguine 'special drink' he beat the shit out of a whole entire squad of Dark Seducers and Golden Saints with his fists!" Sheogorath interjected, "To bad he won't remember"

"Fine…. " the dragonborn said dejectedly, "Let's meet the new guy"

And with wave of Sheogorath's hand and a poof another glowing orb of energy appeared next Hamhjolfs orb

"Wait where am I is this hell or is this heaven I can't tell" came the surprisingly young and calm tone of the new orb, "because I definitely don't deserve heaven"

"Bah, no you are not in one of those cliche after lives you are in my throne room" said the usually the cheery god who was now seemed disappointed and slightly angered by the mention of these new after lives. Hamhjolf had no idea why Sheogorath had reacted in such a way but he had a feeling he didn't want to know.

"Then why am I hear and who the hell are you?"

Though the Courier was trying to stay calm he felt both panic and anger rising in his 'chest'. Panic for the fact he had no idea who this powerful person or thing was or what he wanted and anger for the fact it took him from going to one of his 'cliche after lives'.

"For who I am, I am Sheogorath the daedric prince of madness! At your service!" Sheogorath was instantly back to his normal cheery self and was out of his throne bowing in a deep and eccentric manner.

The Courier's small orb body focused onto Hamhjolf with complete confusion, "What's this guy on? I want some." The Courier laughed the echoed laugh of a lonely soul who was the only one to get a joke, "What? Only me? Fine."

Sheogorath could only shake his head, as Hamhjolf corrected the Courier's mistake, "He's a Daedric Prince. We're in his realm and so far he can do anything he want's to us both."

"Oh... So he's Super-Duper powerful or some shit?" The Courier's orb chimed with realization.

An annoyed sigh was heard from Hamhjolf, "Yes..."

"Alright... Thanks dude." The Courier's orb tried to bob about as the only way he could physically say thank you

Hamhjolf could only shake his 'head' from the pure immaturity emanating from the Courier as he mumbled, "Fucking kids."

"Are you two done?" Sheogorath was already on his throne again with the exact same expression he had when Hamhjolf arrived, "I wanted immediate fun! Not bickering! Save it for when you arrive!

"For why you are here you are going to help my dear nephew here survive a new world!" Sheo continued gesturing to the dragonborn with his hand.

"Wait, he's your uncle!?" shouted the surprised Courier

"Eh not really sure how that works myself" replied Hamhjolf

"So are you some kinda 'demigod' or something?"

"Basically I'll explain if you join me in this 'new world'"

"Yeah speaking of which, hey Mr. Mad God sir hypothetically saying what would happen if I refused" the Courier asked

"Well Mr. Courier I would hypothetically rip your intestines out and play jump rope with them until I'm bored then I will knit them into a new scarf!" answered the cheery god who had instantly jumped out of his throne and started to bounce on the balls of feet and clap his hands like a small child before sitting back on his throne making his answer even more creepy. "So are you going or are you going to stay here with me" Sheogorath asked with a malicious smile.

The Courier had to admit that it was a pretty obvious choice even before the mad god had 'offered' to rip out his intestines this was because going to a new world with (hopefully) a very powerful demigod, going on new adventures and quests sounded a lot more interesting and fun than both heaven and hell at that moment (especially hell), "Yeah I'll go…."

"Good!" Sheogorath interrupted "before I send you two on your merry way I have some parting advice, First nephew you should change your name to something more…. Colorful like cheddar or something, Second magic is all wonky there so your magic won't work besides your voice, of course, and lastly have FUN!"

And with a snap of a finger both the Dovahkiin and the Courier 6 disappeared.

* * *

In a dark dank abandoned alleyway somewhere in the city of Vale two naked figures appeared out of thin air with a poof and the sudden smell of cheddar under the constant stare of a shattered moon.

 ***Author Notes***

 **I hope you enjoyed it, this is my first fict so constructive criticism is welcomed but please don't be a dick.**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: New World Blues

" _Nobody has a Dick that long, not even Long-Dick Johnson, and he had a fuckin' long dick, thus the name." - Cass, Fallout New Vegas_

Two naked figures stood in an empty alley somewhere in Vale, examining each other in the dim light of a shattered moon with practiced eyes taking in every detail of their new 'partner'.

The first figure seemed to be a kid in his late teens and was about 6", his body had a deep tan from many hours of being out in the sun and also had an athletic build that rippled with muscles and scars; you would be hard pressed to find a patch of clear skin besides his face which was mostly unscathed there was only three scars two from two bullets to the temple and another from a cut on his lip from a rusty knife of a fiend. His hair was a dirty blonde that was in a long and messy with a low fade style and had a little stubble from lack of shaving (look it up). His eyes were a mix between brown and amber that seemed to be in a constant battle over territory in his eyes; his eyes held a mischievous glint but behind it's playfulness there was a ice cold calculating glare hidden within.

The second was a mountain of a man reaching 7'6" in his late twenties to early thirties, his body was very pale and was extremely muscular but nowhere near as excessive as bodybuilder's. He also had many scars littering his body not as many as man number one; majority of which seemed to have come from blades and wild beasts. He had long onyx black hair that was long enough to reach his broad shoulders but was gathered into a ponytail that finished with a short well groomed beard. This man's face was not as lucky as the first's he had a long scar running down his left cheek from some long dead beast he had slain, he also had a scar from a blade that ran down his left eye but had luckily missed his eye, the second to last scar that resided on his face was also from blade that ran across his forehead, the final scar that made its home on his face was a small claw mark under his left eye. The most mysterious thing about this man was his eyes which were a stormy grey that seemed to have sparks running through it like lightning flowing through clouds, also there was his slightly pointed ears that somewhat resembled an elf's ears.

A nervous chuckle came from the first man, not knowing what to do next and feeling quite intimidating by the other man who look like he could give a super mutant a run for its money in strength. Thinking quickly he decided to introduce himself to his new companion. "John Doe" the newly named John states while sticking out his hand for a handshake. "Also known as Courier Six, Courier, or just simply Six."

The mountain look down at his hand with a raised eyebrow and facial features screaming confusion before quickly changing to realization as he took his hand, his grip was firm but behind that Six felt an immense strength that that he knew could easily crush his hand even though the bone was made of titanium. Then came his response "It is nice to meet you John my name is Hamhjolf Stormcrown" his voice rumbled like thunder thrumming with power that seemed to send ripples through the air. "I am also known as Dragonborn or Dovahkiin.

"Now that we got introductions out of the way w…." John trailed off when he noticed the elephant in the alley and it had a very long trunk. "God damn, thats a big dick not even Long-Dick Johnson had that big of a dick and he had a long dick thus the name."

"Ugh please don't" Hamhjolf said clearly not happy were this conversation was going and wanting it to stop.

"No seriously mate it is a fucking tree I would a massive axe to cut that down." The Courier continued to rant. At this point Hamhjolf has had enough of The Courier's jests and decided to voice his displeasure. "Lad could we please move on, we need a plan if we are to survive this new world." Putting a little power in his voice to be a bit more…. persuasive

"Alright Horns let's go make a plan but first we should put on some clothes." The teen clearly nervous due to the power coming from Ham's voice. With that John started to scroll through his pip-boy which had appeared with his new body but before he could equip any clothes Hamhjolf spoke up. "Horns? What do you mean lad? I only have one penis. You could've been more creative said and something like unicorn."

The Courier looked at the Dragonborn dumbfounded 'did he seriously not know?' "Mate I'm not talk about that anaconda the Courier said gaining a groan from the other man, I'm talk about the two fucking horns coming out of the side of your head!" John exclaimed while pointing at the two black draconic horns poking out the side of his head.

Hamhjolf hands instantly shot up to his head where to the surprise of his life he felt a pair of horns that felt not much differently than a dragon's but just human size. "Huh I guess my helmet wearing days are going to have to go on hiatus." The Dragonborn muttered.

"Wait are you telling me that you did not originally have horn?" Six asked incredulously but John never got an answer instead he got a Hamhjolf shouting at the sky in a fit of rage.

"DAMN YOU SHEOGORATH! YOU DID THIS DIDN'T YOU! YOU MUST FIND THIS SO FUCKING HILARIOUS!" The Dragonborn roared into the sky, his outburst causing the earth shake from the power of his Thu'um. This outburst caught John off guard causing him to stumble back from the raw power of Hamhjolf's voice, he would never say this out loud but Courier Six was absolutely terrified of the man in front of him 'So much power, he puts a mini-nuke to shame' he thought to himself.

The Courier was pretty sure that the Dragonborn would have sat there yelling at the sky (naked) all day if not to the shock of both of them he got a response. The response came in the form of a wheel of cheddar cheese that came into existence with a pop over an unsuspecting Hamhjolf which subsequently fell on his head surprising the the living shit out of him, bonking off his head onto the ground. Both of them stared at the wheel cheese for a moment nothing moved not even the empty can at end of the alley finally after a 3 second wait Hamhjolf bended over to pick up the wheel only to find that there was a message carved into the cheese.

"What does it say?" The Mailman curiously asked the Dragon.

Hamhjolf did not reply straight away he continued to stare at the wheel of cheese trying to get his head around what it said. When John started to think he was not going to give him the cheese Hamhjolf came out of his stupor and tossed the cheese with the reply of "Have a look for yourself."

John deftly caught the cheese and started to read what was inscribed on the dairy product. After reading the cheese he quickly burst into a fit of uncontrollable laughter while Hamhjolf only silently glared at his partner in crime.

What was inscribed on the wheel of cheddary goodness was simply: _That was not me but nice horns it really adds to your whole warrior look._

After a long moment John's laughter finally died and he wiped away the tears from his eyes and decided move on to the more pressing matter, clothes. Both Hamhjolf and him have been standing in this alley for a long while - it was closing in on dawn fast - completely naked it was a small miracle that no one has stumbled across this strange scene. John decided he was not going to allow any more chances of that happening and with a quick scroll through of his Pimp-Boy he chose what gear he would use, with a small flash of white light the Courier was now covered head to toe in his gear.

John's body was mostly covered by an open fronted black duster that is reinforced by a pair of olive green shoulder pads and a vambrace on the arm that lacked a Pip-Boy that ran down to his armored gloves with built in brass knuckles. His chest was covered by a black armored chest plate made of saturnite plate, he had several straps running across his chest plate with ammo and pouches and even a blue canteen that had a number thirteen engraved on it in a friendly yellow font. His legs are covered in a pair of tan combat pants which end just below the knees - that are protected by a pair of olive green knee pads- where it met a pair of black combat boots. He decided to forgo his helmet which was strapped to his belt, it would be quite the terrifying sight to any who laid eyes on it with it's glaring red eyes - that were currently dull - and the gas mask that completely hides the face of the wearer. This fine set of military grade armor is the Elite Riot Gear (ERG) that the Courier found on the dead body of a Ranger he happened upon in his adventures in the Divide.

The Courier absolutely loves weaponry, especially guns though he does have a quite extensive knife collection, he loves weapons so much that he is usually covered in them; he at least has one weapon on him at all times when he sleeps, eats, shopping, showering, etc…. Though that might just be his paranoia. The killing machines that John decided to roll with today was a little lighter than what he usually carried, his current load out consisted of four knifes, three pistols, and one rifle. The four knives included Blood-nap which is strap to his left thigh, then there is Chance's knife which is strap to his left breast plate, next is a bowie that is hidden with his right combat boot, and the final knife, a combat knife, is hidden in the back of his pants. His pistols included Lucky which was holstered on his right hip, then there was A Light Shining in Darkness which was also hidden in the back of his pants beside the knife, finally there was a snub-nose .44 which was hidden in his left combat boot. The last death dealing device was Medicine Stick that was strap across his back.

Hamhjolf only raised a singular eyebrow at John's gear appearing out of thin air, not to be out done by his new partner he snapped his finger of his left hand and in an instant Hamhjolf was covered head to toe in armor and weapons. His body - minus his head - was covered in a set of heavy armor made of dragon bones, ebony and in the weak spots dragon scales. This armor was Dragonplate Armor his favorite set armor it made him resistant to all forms of magic and increased his already extreme levels of speed, strength, and endurance to superhuman levels. One of Hamhjolfs favorite parts of this gods send of an armor was its indestructibility which made maintenance far easier no longer did he have to pound out dents of plate steel he only had to clean off mud and the blood of his enemies, it was also a plus that it looked terrifying and badass.

Like the courier across from him, Hamhjolf had a love for weapons so he instantly knew which tools of death he wanted to use, it was his usual selections weapons which he used during his adventures in Skyrim, these toys included a Dragon bone bow and arrows, a Dragon bone sword by the name of Yol Arhk Fo (Fire and Frost). This was Hamhjolfs favorite blade, he made it himself out of the bones and scales of Alduin the World Eater himself making it a midnight black darker than any ebony blade. Hamhjolfs final and one of his most powerful weapons was the legendary war hammer Volendrung the massive weapon was one of Hamhjolfs favorite weapons and has gotten many awed stares he once had a hold guard ask if we going nock a house down with it.

John's reaction to this sudden appearance of some of the most badass weapons and armor that he had ever seen was a lot less…. subtle. He stared awestruck and mouth agape from shock before raising one hand to point at him.

"What?" Ham asked in a somewhat irate tone tired of the teens antics.

"How did you do that!?" John asked exasperatedly and breathlessly. "How did all your armor and weapons appear of thin air!?" he asked again in the same tone as before.

"Magic" The Dragonborn said in a deadpanned tone while doing jazz hands that seemed to sparkle.

"Seriously" John said now in the same deadpanned way "could you tell me how this 'magic' works?"

"Ugh Fine this magic is form of experimental Conjuration-" Hamhjolf began to explain but what interrupted by John raising a hand in a questioning manner only to be shot down by Hamhjolf. "Put that hand down I'll tell you all of the intricacies of my world at a later date and you will do the same" The Dragonborn said with a glare that made John hand to shoot down to his side and nod his head vigorously in agreement. Satisfied Hamhjolf continued his explanation "As I said this is an experimental form Conjuration magic were in the caster can store nigh anything in your own little plane of Oblivion" seeing the confusion on the Courier face he symplified "Another dimension" garnering a nod of understanding from the Mailman. "And if you are wondering I was not the one that created this spell it was in fact made by a good friend of mine an Arch-Mage of the local magic college where I come from."

Now that he was done explaining Hamhjolf had a question to ask himself "That strange gauntlet on your arm does that use some form magic as well or something else."

This caused John to scoff "No this is a Pip-Boy 3000 and it use technology and science to do many amazing and useful things like play music, mapping, keeping important information, keeping track of my health, and store my gear."

"How fascinating it's like the Dwemer but far more advanced" the Dragonborn started ramble before noticing the curiosity on the Courier's face waving him off he said "For another time we should move on and out of this alley."

"Ok where to first then" John asked Hamhjolf causing Ham to take a thinking pose with a hand at his chin. "I say we find a library to learn more about this new world we have found us in" Hamhjolf replied after a moment of thought.

"Very well then to the library!" John said in excitement. As sun started to awake from its slumber John started walking with the Dragonborn by his side out of the alley and down the street in search of a library garnering many stares from many of the early wakers of Vale.

 **Authors Note:**

 **I am BACK! How not very exciting.**

 **First off I am sorry for two things, first I am sorry I didn't get this out early I got really distracted by school and stuff and kinda forgot about this for a bit I know a shitty excuse but still true. Second I forgot to warn you that my updates will really random and irregular I am sorry about this but school is a bitch.**

 **I am sorry, I am sorry, please forgive me**

 **Replies:**

 **Vault Buster:**

 **Thanks for the advice**

 **Earthling173:**

 **Yes my idea is quite similar to yours but not the exact same of course and will have several differences.**

 **Quintain Apprentice of Alduin:**

 **Trust me there will be more cheese.**

 **To The Rest That Reviewed:**

 **Thank you for the support you beautiful bastards.**

 **Well** **anyways as always thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed. See you in the next update or a new story ;).**


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